Talking To Someone On Dating Site But Not Interested In Meeting
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One of the most obvious signs the person you’re texting isn’t interested, according to online dating expert Julie Spira, is as simple as the length of their messages.“When someone isn’t. No one wants to waste time on someone who isn't interested in them, and you'd think that people you're talking to on a dating app or site are eager to meet and go on a date, but it's not always.
I am a guy in his 30s in NY. I often email women on OKCupid and start a conversation that seems like it's going well -- we are sending interesting, funny and flirtatious emails back and forth, we have definite things and common and stuff to talk about, they may have added me to their favorites -- and then they disappear and stop responding. I'd say this happens around half the time, sometimes at the point when I suggest meeting in real life for drinks or coffee (usually after 3 or 4 emails), other times nothing in particular precipitates it. There's nothing unusual or awkward about the emails, and its not a situation where I reveal my name and anything bad would show up if they Google it.
What's going on when someone does this? Is there another strategy here I'm missing to convert meeting someone online to meeting someone in person? Are we supposed to engage in some kind of 'internet relationship', emailing for weeks and months first? Do they just want online pen pals or something? Am I wrong in asking to meet up too quickly?
The best way to circumvent this is to arrange a phone call or in-person meeting as soon as possible. If the person isn't receptive just move on.
posted by dfriedman at 6:41 AM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
It happens to me, too, of course, that people just disappear. It feels unpleasant, but so it goes.
posted by jeather at 6:44 AM on March 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
On dating sites, even after you've written back and forth a few times, the obligation to continue is practically nil. You can stop responding at virtually any time. Because these conversations aren't REAL conversations (though they may feel that way to you). They just a sort of bee-dance to inspire the other person to imagine what you might be like in real life. They'll either become curious enough to find out, or they won't. Sometimes it's because they decide they really aren't attracted to you. Other times, someone else swoops in and does a more elaborate bee dance, and so their attention is distracted away from you.
'About half the time' seems about right, in my book. Don't take it personally -- I mean, it is personal, but that's how attraction works. When we first encounter someone's picture and description online, we project a lot onto them and fill in the blanks with fantasy. As we get to know them a little better, we may begin to suspect that they're not who we're looking for at all. NEXT!
posted by hermitosis at 6:49 AM on March 4, 2011 [20 favorites]
Although, if it's any consolation, it's happening to us women all the time too, so it's definitely not just you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:52 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Nomyte at 6:52 AM on March 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
- realised they weren't that into you.
- decided to start dating someone else and stopped corresponding with other people.
- decided to take a break from online dating.
- went on holiday or were otherwise unable to keep up the emails.
Mostly the first one though. Generally I would rather just stop receiving emails from someone than get one saying 'Can we stop emailing now, I realised I don't like you very much'.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:55 AM on March 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
I don't think there's much you can do to screen them out. I would definitely recommend that you that pursue the IRL meeting at 3 or 4 emails, so you can cut your time involvement to a minimum for those who end up flaking out.
posted by kimdog at 6:57 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:17 AM on March 4, 2011
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:18 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Could be anything. Maybe they are just flaky, maybe they are currently sort-of dating someone else they met online, maybe they are just busy, etc.
Is there another strategy here I'm missing to convert meeting someone online to meeting someone in person?
I didn't do it very often, but if I waited a week and sent a short 'Hey, haven't heard from you in a while so you might not be interested, but just wanted to say I (still) would like to go out for [date] with you.' I actually got a response most of the time, although some of those people were just flaky and I would have been better off messaging someone else.
Are we supposed to engage in some kind of 'internet relationship', emailing for weeks and months first?
No, most people who actually want to go out on dates don't need to keep it online for so long.
Do they just want online pen pals or something?
Possibly, who knows. Unless you also want a pen pal then it doesn't really matter.
Am I wrong in asking to meet up too quickly?
No, that's the best way to do online dating in my opinion, the first real life meetup is very important for figuring out if you are actually compatible so it needs to be not long after the initial contact in my opinion.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:21 AM on March 4, 2011
Honestly, I'd say ignore it and concentrate on the half that doesn't flake out. It would be one thing if this was happening a majority of the time, but half the time? Fogetboutit.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:26 AM on March 4, 2011
Also, you should meet in person sooner, not later.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:27 AM on March 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Also, some people really do just like to flirt for the ego boost. A minority of the women you're exchanging messages with may never intend to meet anybody for an actual date.
posted by slow graffiti at 7:28 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Askr at 7:29 AM on March 4, 2011
No, this is not true. The OKCupid blog has no way to know which women are 'most attractive.' OKCupid gets this information from the ratings on a scale of 1 to 5 stars given by users, but those ratings are for the whole profile, not just 'attractiveness.' Also, it's largely based on people using QuickMatch, in which the only thing that matters is whether you give a 1-3 rating or a 4-5 rating. It's only natural that women (and men) with higher overall star ratings get more messages, since both of those facts are caused by more people being interested in them.
Are you in New York City or just New York State? Oh yeah, you're anonymous, so you can't answer that, but it's important. If you're in NYC, the simple explanation is that any reasonably attractive woman around your age is likely to be receiving so much interest at any given time that she just won't be able to continue every conversation. You're lucky this only happens 'half the time.' If it were happening every time, it'd make more sense to wonder if you're doing something wrong, but I don't think this is a problem. Focus on the half of women who are continuing the communication; don't dwell on the others!
posted by John Cohen at 7:51 AM on March 4, 2011
My only advice is that if you want to meet someone, ask them out on a date within around 3 messages.
posted by Kurichina at 8:28 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe they're flakes, maybe they're not interested, maybe they got back with their boyfriends, maybe they're married, maybe they're just looking for an ego boost, maybe they're busy, maybe they have too many emails, maybe some other guy is a 6'-4' fighter pilot.
Nothing you say indicates you're doing anything wrong. Keep trying.
posted by massysett at 8:58 AM on March 4, 2011
I can give you 10 examples off the top of my head - each time the guy had no idea he'd done it. Usually it was so offensive/annoying/innate/boring I didn't bother telling him because it wouldn't have made a difference in the end.
The few times I tried saying 'hey, thanks, but not interested anymore' I was completely attacked. Got repeated emails calling me a bitch, etc. Again, I can give horrifying examples of how not well guys took that email.
Your best bet is to stop having email conversations and meet sooner. By four emails, I'm over it unless there's a reason we can't meet. Reduces the chance of saying something innocuous that turns someone off or pushes a tentative yes to an enough-already no ... on both sides.
I'd actually be really interested to read the emails to see iwhere it went wrong. I think there are four very specific things guys do wrong dating online - and that's after the four critical profile mistakes. (I can't speak to women's errors, I haven't dated them.)
posted by crankyrogalsky at 10:10 AM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
- I was pretty on the fence about whether I was interested enough to even reply to the first message after reading the guy's profile and was no more interested after exchanging a few messages.
- I reread the guy's profile more closely and found some things I didn't like. Happens a lot on okcupid because of the public answers to questions. Amazing how many guys believe in creationism and are against gay marriage or in some other ways their values conflict with mine. Another thing that happens is I reread something and realize it's fairly subtle code for something I'm not interested in. When there are tons of references to not wanting something serious right away or getting out of a relationship or just wanting to have fun, etc that combined with other things can lead me to believe the guy is actually looking more for casual sex than a relationship.
- This will sound harsh, but sometimes I will look far closer at a guy's photos and realize that he looks significantly different in each one or they are all fuzzy and taken from far away or they all have him wearing a hat and sunglasses and ski equipment (you get the idea), which means if I go out with the guy he is probably not going to look anything like what I imagine. This has unfortunately happened to me at least 50% of the time so I'm pretty wary of it at this point.
I actually think asking someone out after 3 or 4 emails is ideal. I'll often drop off communication after a certain point if I feel like the guy is never going to ask me out.
posted by whoaali at 10:22 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
And the basic idea is still probably valid; the most attractive women get bombarded with messages and it probably does have everything to do with how hot they look in their photo. Do you think they're all getting 10+ messages a day because they talk about their love of Proust? I think not. They have an abundance of choice and so they can afford to maintain a second string of less desirable guys that they only follow up with seriously when they eliminate several of the more interesting/attractive guys they got messages from.
posted by slow graffiti at 10:32 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by boobjob at 10:56 AM on March 4, 2011
posted by white_devil at 11:28 AM on March 4, 2011
I would be interested in this if you're willing to share...
To answer the post, I think being on the fence has been my biggest reason to disappear the few times I've done it. I think the woman contacted me first in most of those cases, and while I felt flattered enough to respond initially, for a few different reasons I didn't become interested enough to continue. A couple of people wrote me very long messages that felt like a chore to read and then answer; a couple more were far enough away that a real-life visit seemed unrealistic; and in a couple of cases I'd already suggested meeting for coffee, which was accepted but sort of unenthusiastically, so I didn't bother writing back to confirm a date and time.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 11:41 AM on March 4, 2011
1. The emails have gone on for a while and there's been no concrete suggestion of meeting. I'm not on OKCupid for penpals, sorry. I'll do the legwork if I'm really crazy about the person. But if I'm on the fence, and they never say anything, I usually just drift off.
2. I've been messaging with a few different people and someone else has made the jump from 'person I've exchanged a couple emails with' to 'person I am enjoying the crap out of in real life'. Unfortunately, I am wired for monogamy. Even if the other thing isn't technically exclusive, honestly I just don't have the energy to continue pursuing other people if I already have someone in my life who I'm having fun with.
The reason I drift away rather than talking it out is that I think it's important to remember that exchanging a message or two is not a commitment. If I start treating all online conversations as A Big Deal That Comes With Strings And Obligations, I start to get pretty messed up about other aspects of dating. And it's more important for me to protect what remains of my fragile sanity than for me to protect the feelings of someone I've never met.
posted by Sara C. at 11:42 AM on March 4, 2011
I understand ignoring messages from people you've never communicated with, but I also find this sudden drop off from people with whom there was actual back and forth correspondence to be rude and immature. Better to let someone down than to flake out and leave them wondering. It's laziness on their end, in my opinion.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:03 PM on March 4, 2011
The bottom line, for me, has been mentioned here already - what am I supposed to do, send a bulleted list of reasons you don't turn my crank? Or just a curt 'Don't want you, sorry?' That seems a lot more rude to me than just ducking out when it becomes clear that it's not meant to be.
posted by Sara C. at 12:16 PM on March 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by ljs30 at 4:34 PM on March 4, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 5:29 PM on March 4, 2011
I met my boyfriend on plentyoffish.com and actually disappeared on him before we met. We had exchanged a few messages, but then my life got really super busy and I wasn't on the site for a couple months. I saw he had sent a message during that time but didn't have a chance to read it. When things calmed down, I sent him a message explaining what was going on (I had just gotten a new job and was also on my Jaycee chapter board - those two things ate up lots of my time) and that I still wanted to talk to him if he was willing. (He is a very sweet guy and I didn't want him thinking he had offended me or that I was blowing him off) He was still willing to talk to me, we met shortly thereafter, and we've been together ever since.
posted by SisterHavana at 5:53 PM on March 4, 2011
Conversations come to a natural end and there are ways to wind them down gently and with respect. Better than just disappearing, especially when things seemed to have ben going well (or after what seemed like a great interview).
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:27 PM on March 4, 2011
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In the past, I made a lot of excuses for the behaviours of people that I was involved with, the anxiety that I felt with them, and my continued investment. Over the years of writing this blog, I’ve read thousands of comments and emails where we make excuses, rationalise shady stuff, ignore red flags and our own needs, and basically linger or even stay rammed stuck in relationships long beyond their ‘use by date’. We ignore what are often blatant signs of disinterest.
This is all on the basis of a couple of things: they’re still ‘there’ in some capacity and we assume they have ‘some’ interest that can be made into ‘more’.
Cue trying to prove ourselves, seeking validation and attempting to avoid rejection. One of the things that we must do, and by we, I mean both men and women because these issues affect everyone, is recognise when someone is not interested or is ‘vanilla’ in their interest.
The key really isn’t to get into splitting hairs about what level of interest they have, because it all boils down to that they’re either in or they’re out, and they’re either treating you decently, or they’re not. If any of the following signs of disinterest are in your relationship, I’d take a parachute and jump because all 30 of these either on their own or joined up with others, make for an unhealthy partnering. You deserve better. Don’t sell yourself short.
Recognise signs of disinterest so that you don’t allow someone to ‘pass time’ with you.
1. They’re not contacting you or are sporadically contacting you.
2. They may not even bother speaking with you and rely predominantly on emails, text messages, and instant messenger.
3. They treat you like an option.
4. They don’t want to put both of their feet in and commit. They’d like you to ‘go with the flow’ even if there is nothing flowing, and to expect nothing beyond this.
5. The relationship doesn’t progress – it goes in fits and starts, stalls, or goes into reverse.
6. They’re keeping you a secret.
7. They tend to be around/call you up when they want something. It might be money, attention, an ego stroke, sex, an armchair psychologist, but if you think back to all the times when you’ve heard from them, you may notice that it was a preamble to something.
8. They leave it to the last minute/short notice to make plans. They may not even bother to make last minute plans – they might just show up late at night expecting you to be around. Don’t be.
9. They create drama in the hope that you’ll take the hint that they’re not interested and end it, so that they can be let off the hook
Talking To Someone On Dating Site But Not Interested In Meeting Guys
10. When you’re broken up with them, they get in touch, often in a lazy manner just to ensure that you still jump to their beat. In fact, take the fact that you’re not in a relationship with them as a major sign of disinterest. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they got in touch because they want to get back together.
11. They’ll make a lot of noise when you attempt to move on with someone else and then when you ‘reciprocate’, they’re nowhere to be seen.
12. They send text messages, emails, or leave voicemails, and when you no doubt eagerly respond, they either take ages to or don’t bother at all.
13. They don’t break up with their wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. But they still expect to be with you. Hell, they seem to think you have all the time in the frickin’ world to be waiting around for them.
14. They don’t get that divorce finalised. In fact, they may even pretend they’ve started proceedings!
15. They keep blaming timing, the no 5 bus, work, their ex, their commitment issues, or whatever the excuse du jour is, for why they can’t be or do something. In fact, they keep making excuses.
16. They’re sporadic in their efforts, and you can often pin bursts of efforts to when you either told them to beat it or they felt in danger of losing you.
17. They keep changing their mind about their interest in you. Flip-flapper alert!
18. They talk incessantly about themselves while not really taking an interest in you. OR… they deflect conversations away from details about themselves and try to focus on you.
19. They tell you that they love you but they’re not in love with you, that they’re not ready for a relationship, they’re not the right person for you, that they’re a ‘bad person’, ‘out of your league’, that you’re ‘too good’ for them and other such things that basically say, “I have limited interest in you”.
20. They sleep with other people while sleeping with you.
21. They only have a sexual interest in you.
22. It takes them weeks or even months to call you up after a date or taking your number.
23. You’re hanging out like friends. You may even be friends with benefits.
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24. They disappear for periods of time.
25. They’re more interested in having things their way, on their terms, being right, and having the power.
26. They treat you without love, care, trust, and respect. Even if you don’t love one another yet, it shouldn’t stop them from being a respectful person with integrity that cares about their actions and those around them.
27. They treat everyone from the old lady down the street, to the postman, the dog and whoever else has no romantic expectations of them with decency, but when it comes to you, they’re an assclown.
28. They’re either Future Avoiders, afraid to talk about the future or make plans, or they’re Future Fakers, faking a future so they can get what they want in the present, because they know they won’t be around in the future, because they’re not genuinely interested.
29. They are controlling, manipulative, jealous and possessive. These are not signs that they’re actually interested in you – these are signs that they want to control you. This is not the same as love or as a result of love. A person who behaves in this way isn’t the type to have a balanced, respectful relationship, and may not even really want you but won’t want anyone else to have you either.
30. They’re so ‘busy’, they have no time for the relationship. Nobody is that busy and when someone is genuinely interested they find the time.
These thirty signs indicate that they’re ‘just not that into you.‘ They’re also signs of emotional unavailability that are likely to also point to a frustrating and/or painful dating cycle.
When someone’s genuinely interested in you, they consistently demonstrate their interest and leave you in no doubt about it.
Talking To Someone On Dating Site But Not Interested In Meeting People
They and the relationship are not ambiguous, they’re not afraid to make plans and follow through on them, and more importantly, they treat you with care, trust, respect, and eventually love consistently. They don’t burn up their energies resisting you and you don’t burn up your time and energy making excuses for them and seeing meaning where there is no meaning.
When someone is not interested, it doesn’t mean that they won’t stick around for the fringe benefits, especially if it becomes apparent that regardless of how poorly they behave, that you will still be there.
There are others who are a half-hearted, a bit ‘meh’, and actually vanilla in their interest, in that they think you’re ‘nice’ or whatever but you’re not ‘The One’ or even in danger of becoming ‘The One’. Sometimes they flat out know this, but maybe because they’re not genuinely looking for a ‘The One relationship’ – possibly because they’re avoiding commitment – you will do to pass time with. Some people overestimate their interest, then realise that they’re not as interested as they thought, and either think they might rediscover that interest again (probably not), or that again, you’re good to pass time with. Of course if something better comes along, they’ll be out of there.
Don’t sell you short, and if the relationship and your interest isn’t mutual, flush before you lose your dignity and self-esteem.
You cannot be available for an available relationship if you’re making yourself available to someone who is unavailable.